Unveiling the power of 'net-silience'

We had all heard about 'resilience'.  However, the ability to bounce back occurs within a specific context, meaning we cannot isolate what happens to us and how we cope with it from what surrounds us at that moment, both internally and externally. Resilience and self-esteem are often discussed without further ado, leaving the responsibility of everything that happens to the isolated individual, when in reality, we should talk about 'net-silience'.

Is the past really past? The best approach is not to leave it behind, cover it up, or suppress it. Our goal should be to take back the driver's seat of our lives, regain control and autonomy after experiencing overwhelming experiences by understanding what has happened to us. Otherwise, those traumas we bury and hide, over which we have no control, end up manifesting in our daily lives. Sometimes, we don't even consider them, and those traumas we are unable to detect keep constricting us, restricting us, and limiting us.

If done inadequately, simply engaging with the negative aspects of our past experiences and without a purpose, it can risk retraumatizing. Revisiting the past compulsively without any intention of actively addressing what has happened is risky. It should be done coherently, in a way that can be understood and verbalized because putting it into words delineates it and allows us to move forward. Otherwise, we remain in struggle and frustration. Remembering just for the sake of it doesn't lead to recovery.

We shouldn't trivialize the word "acceptance" because it's not about accepting everything. It's not "I accept that I was harmed," but rather accepting in the sense of understanding what happened, not agreeing with it. In other words, not resigning ourselves and staying in that state of discomfort; accepting to move forward, accepting to understand, and to take appropriate measures to seek help, to take steps forward, with a purpose of change, which is different from resigning.

Divorces, infidelities, adoption or migration processes are the most recurrent small traumas... But perhaps what strikes me the most are situations of bullying in schools and workplaces. I believe that especially bullying, in such a crucial stage as childhood and adolescence, where the essence is developing identity, and suddenly there's rejection from the group, a very deep and difficult-to-accept wound is created. Evolutionarily speaking, it has been observed that a wound from school bullying, when you feel rejected, activates the same brain regions as when we're physically hurt. That is, our brains are wired in such a way that rejection causes pain. There's nothing more traumatic than another human being because the involvement of other people is what hurts the most.

What happens in early stages is that since our brains are developing, it marks a fracture in our life story. At 40, if you have a traumatic experience, it causes a fracture in the psyche. In childhood, it not only marks but also shapes the developing brain. Therefore, it shapes how we interpret the world. It's also true that there are many other actors who can appear in life and can help repair. Not every child who has experienced trauma at 3 years old is doomed to live an unsatisfactory life.

It's crucial not to talk so much about resilience as if it were individual, because ultimately we're not resilient solely on an individual basis; our resilience, our ability to overcome adversity and to face difficult situations, also depends on who we have by our side. That is, having good family support, a good network, a community that provides support and assistance will be decisive in the recovery process. Imagine a young person telling their parents about a traumatic experience and instead of validating and understanding, they're told it's a lie and they're being childish; it's doubly traumatizing.

If we are unable to heal our wounds, we won't necessarily have a bad life, but perhaps a more restricted one. I believe it's necessary to identify emotions with words; it allows us to delimit them and makes us feel more empowered. The idea is not to stir up or uncover everything under the carpet but simply to acquire a broader emotional language because putting words to it helps us understand why we behave in a certain way.